Help, I've got to organise a funeral!

Help! I have to Organise a Funeral but I don’t know where to begin (part 1)

When I go to visit a family for the first time, the most common concern I come across is the sentiment that someone feels out of their depth and doesn’t know what to do next.  Let’s face it as humans the last thing w want to face up to is losing the ones we love the most – it’s no wonder most of us feel bewildered at making funeral arrangements when it was probably the last thing we wanted to think about until we could avoid it no longer.

I know when I was plunged into organising my husband’s funeral I was struck by how similar it was to organising our wedding just three years earlier.  This time I had to make decisions about food, flowers, music, readings, venues, officiants all by myself and I had to turn all this around in a couple of weeks (it took us ten months to do similar for our wedding!)

The first thing I always say is that other than for some legal notifications there is no right or wrong way to mark the death of a loved one.  Some people want a low key, barely any attendees kind of affair whereas others want a full blown performance with music, balloons, food and live entertainment – a true celebration of life.

The truth is that most of us want something in the middle, perhaps with religious or cultural elements or not.  The thing is your funeral professionals will listen to you and help you to make all the decisions you need.  They do this every working day and if they’re any good (in my experience the are usually brilliant!) they will quickly get to know you and get a feeling for the kind of ceremony would suit your needs.

Once you have dealt with all the legal notification and certification you can start to think about the kind of service you want to create for your loved one.

Would you prefer a Burial or Cremation?  You might have already got a good idea about this as it’s often one of the few things we talk about regarding death with our family. You may find that religious or cultural beliefs play a part in this decision or it may just be a practical choice.  Currently in the UK 78% of people choose cremation whilst 22% opt for a burial, you should discuss with the rest of your family and make a decision that suits you best.  You will want to consider where their final resting place will be.  Is it important to have a grave or permanent memorial as a focus point or do you prefer the idea of scattering your loved one’s ashes in their favourite place? (with the right permissions of course)

What kind of Service are you thinking of? You may want a traditional funeral service that incorporates a cremation or burial, on the other hand you may prefer a small family service followed by a celebration of life event either straight afterwards or on a different date and time entirely.  This is a great option if you find you have a lot to say or many people to gather together from far afield.

You will quickly have a good idea if you want to have a religious or secular ceremony.  Obviously if you want a ceremony that includes lots of religious elements, you would probably be best advised to have a religious officiant design and lead your service.

If you prefer a secular service without religious content you will probably want to enlist a celebrant.  Many celebrants are happy to include some religious elements such as The Lord’s Prayer or even hymns and readings.  As a general rule most independent or civil celebrants will be happy to include cultural or religious elements and most Humanist celebrants do not include any religion at all.  This can differ between individual celebrants so do ask the question.  If you want to include something that your officiant isn’t comfortable with it is important to find out as early as possible so that you find the best possible fit for your needs.

Many people hire a Funeral Director who can handle many of the logistical details, including transporting the body, preparing it for burial or cremation, and coordinating with a cemetery or crematorium.  Unless you are considering doing everything yourself this is probably one of the first decision you will make.  Choose a funeral service that suits you, some are very traditional and formal whilst others embrace more modern practices and may be more knowledgeable about eco-burials and other new developments.

The next person you hire would be a Celebrant or Officiant: If the service will be led by a celebrant, officiant, or religious leader, choose someone who aligns with your family’s or your loved one’s wishes. An independent celebrant can tailor the service to be highly personalized. You may want to go with a recommendation from your trusted funeral director or you may want to do your own research to find a local person who fits your requirements,  Most celebrants have active social media presence and/or websites where you can get a feel for their approach.  Don’t be afraid to ask about their experience and qualifications if that is important to you.  Also check that they are insured or if they belong to a trade association such as the AOIC (Association of Independent Celebrants) or the IoCF (Institute of Civil Funerals).  This means that they will have access to regular training updates, conferences etc where new initiatives and approaches are introduced and they are up to date on current activity within the industry.

Choosing a Date that works for family members, the officiant, and the venue is usually something that your funeral director will take the lead on.  Similarly with the Ceremonial Venue, your funeral director will advise, especially if you are opting for a church service, burial or cremation.  When it comes to choosing a venue for a wake or celebration of life after the service you will want to choose a location that works for you.  Many people will opt for a club or function room, others will gather in nature in the woods or on the beach, it may be that you choose the family home or a favourite restaurant.  The main deciding factors are how many people you expect to attend, the great British weather, food and drink and any requirements such as video playback, music or projection.

As for the Service itself, you will want to consider music and readings, thigs that your loved one particularly liked or things that are important to you when you remember them.  Whilst your officiant will be happy to do all the speaking at the ceremony you may want to ask friends and family members to write and perhaps deliver part of the tribute or read something meaningful like a story, poem or song lyrics that means something to you.

Often at the service of afterwards there will be a visual tribute of some sort, it might be a collection of photographs or videos or perhaps some of your loved ones art or craft work.  It’s often goo to share the responsibility and ask other family members or friends to help pull this together and decide on the format.